The Only Way To Be - oneshot

[sunshine_173]

Title: The Only Way To Be
Author: sunshine_173 
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: BellDom
Summary: Dominic is at war with his emotions and breaks, finally confronting the one person who can single-handedly destroy or mend his torn heart.
Feedback: I'm a comment whore. Every time I read one, my heart goes *tingle*
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse, Matt or Dom. If I did, unspeakable acts would be committed.
Warning: Language, one teeny sip of wine, a bit fluffy and a tid-bit of angst. If you'd call it that. Idk really. It's all rather innocent, if that sums it up.
Note: Hello, strangers. It's been awhile since I've greeted y'all. I should feel ashamed, really. Anyways, here's a little something for the New Year. My plot penguin got to work last night and voila! This. Love toflavoroftea  for being a darling and betaing here and there. Radiohead and Coldplay basically fueled this. OH. Before I forget. I have another chapter of Infinity almost done and will have that posted in the next day or so. Love you, kittens.

 

I sit here and I look at her while she sleeps, her golden hair sprawled out over the hill of a downy soft pillow. The rise and fall of her chest, reminding me just how real she is.

That thought frightens me.

Her eyelids flutter for a moment, and I thought of the eyes behind them. Those eyes that mesmerize and stun, catch me and draw me in. Long eyelashes, light and fanned out over the softness of her cheek. The perfect slope of her nose. The perfect curve of her full lips that curl into a smile as she sleeps. The length of her thin neck and the pronunciation of her collarbones. Her narrow shoulders. 

The whiteness of the sheet wrapped around her body contrasts the tan of her skin. She looks like an angel in the glow of the sun shining blindingly through the window.

She emits a soft whimper and turns onto her side, away from me. The sheet falls and I am met with a bare back, ramrod straight despite her slumber.

I’ve not slept since I pulled out of her and collapsed by her side, her sweat and sex pervading my senses. That was seven hours ago.

In those seven hours, I have stared at everything but her. Trying to understand what is going on inside of me. Trying to decipher why the axis of my world has shifted, seemingly broken in half. My core, my mentality, it spins uncontrollably now.

This is the first time I’ve laid my eyes on her since she fell into her dreams.

I sit up and look away. Swing my legs over the side of the bed. The cold of the wood floor shocks the undersides of my feet, and I stand on shaking legs and each step towards the bathroom sends a shooting nervousness throughout my body.

I can’t decide if I am cold or if I am hot. My insides are frozen, my mind is screaming, and yet my skin is tight, and it burns. It itches and I want it off.

The man staring at me in the mirror is frightened. I can see it in his lead colored eyes. They are speckled with light and dark, with lies and want and curiosity. His skin that is normally bronzed and shining with health and youth is pale and pasty.

The shower I jump into has no temperature. I go through my usual ritual without thought, using muscle memory only. I scrub violently at my body, until my skin is pink and I can finally feel the water beating down on me. It’s cold, and it soothes me. But inside, I am at turmoil.

In minutes I’ve dressed and dried, and I’m out of the door and into the coolness of the early morning. I know where I want to go but I don’t know if I have the will. I know I shouldn’t, I have my angel. But I miss my demon. 

The leather of my jacket rubs against the skin of my hands, but I push them further into the deep pockets and ignore any discomfort. Speeding my steps up, I glance at the street name and I can’t decide if the rush I feel starting at the base of my stomach and racing to my throat is of adrenaline or perturbation.

Rays of curious light bleed towards shadows, and I walk faster, a coil of paranoia beginning to settle inside me. I look around but I know I’m not being watched; no one is out this early aside from a few joggers and those on their way to work.

Too soon, I’m staring at a door I’ve not see in months. It’s dark red and set into white stone, and I’m a mixture of excited and scared of who I know is across the threshold. Two steps at a time, I go up the small set of stairs leading to the flat.

I can’t recall the reason I decided to come here. I don’t know why I ever thought the decision was wise. I had made my choice, and I had been the one to leave. I couldn’t continue living the way I was. I couldn’t stand to further my infidelity.

After knocking four times, I realized that there was no way I could go back.

My palms started sweating and I rubbed them self-consciously on my jeans, my nerves beginning to spiral insanely. I hear a voice from within call out, and my heartbeat begins to quicken, my breaths choppy.

I’m not ready for the doorknob to turn, but when it does, I want to cry.

The door opens slowly and I’m greeted with a shock of messy, black hair. The man in front of me is rubbing his eyes with the heel of his left hand. In the time before his eyes open, my own trace over his delicate features. High cheekbones give way to gaunt cheeks, a hard and prominent jaw and cleft chin. Thin lips, the bottom much fuller than the top, pout slightly. He’s dressed in an oversized grey t-shirt that hangs loosely from his thin shoulders and black boxers. His ivory skin seems to glow ethereal when the sunlight falls onto him.

His eyes, my God, his eyes. They open and blankly stare at me, and I’m overwhelmed by the bottomless sea of pure, gold speckled sapphire framed by a row of thick, dark eyelashes.

They widen when he realizes who is in front of him.

His jaw drops almost comically. He lets out a small “oh” before he unquestioningly opens the door all the way, moving to the side. I swear as I step passed him that his eyes are glittering with tears.

The door closes softly and I know that he is fully awake now. Wordlessly, he walks towards the kitchen, and I can hear him begin the process of making tea.

I was expecting him to shut the door in my face, to sneer at me and tell me he never wants to see me again. I was expecting, if he allowed me to come in, to feel unwelcome. I was expecting that I’d break the moment I saw him, that I’d fall to his feet and apologize.

I was comfortable and it unnerved me. The atmosphere was calm, quiet. Albeit confused.

When he didn’t return to the foyer I became curious and took slow, tentative steps towards the light spilling from the kitchen.

He stood with his back to me, his hands grasping the edges of a small island and he leaned forward, his sharp shoulder blades prominent through the thin material of his shirt.

“Why are you here?” He asked, voice still rough from sleep. Chills spread throughout my body. I missed his voice. I missed it so much it scared me.

“Because I am terrified.”

He snorted. Turned around shaking his head, and looked at me. His eyes lost some of their hardness then, his features softening. It seemed, that in that moment, any defense he might’ve had crumbled. “Why?”

I broke eye contact then. His eyes became too intense, too innocent. “I don’t know.”

“Bullshit, Dominic.” He said this gently.

I sense rather than see him move towards me. I could feel his warmth even though there was space between us. That’s one of the reasons I was ever drawn to him. His warmth. His kindness, despite the hardships of his life, and all that he’s endured. His timeless love for humanity, for pleasure, for beauty. For me.

In my peripheral, I see him cautiously move his hand towards me, but I still jump when the heat of his fingertips brushes against the back of my hand. He’s close to me, closer than I had thought he would’ve dared to be. My heart started racing faster than before and my trepidation skyrocketed. It wasn’t that I was scared of what he’d do, but of what he’ll say. What he thinks.

“Because I think I still love you.” These words are forced out and for a second I’m sure I’m about to weep. My mind keeps thinking the worst. That I’m too late, he’s moved on, he found someone else, he doesn’t feel the same way he did months ago.

His fingers stopped stroking my hand and he pulls away as if I’d burnt him. I hear his breath catch in his throat and he takes a step away from me. I dare to look at him, yet immediately it’s a mistake. His face is torn, those beautifully radiant eyes undoubtedly shining with tears. Mouth frowning and skin paler than white. Eyelashes flutter and he represses a sob. He begins to tremble and I fear that he’s about to order me to leave. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’ve known him my whole life and yet I can only count the number of times I’ve witnessed him cry on one hand. All of them were because of me. All of them were happy tears except for one incident. The one that will haunt me forever, unless he forgives me.

I don’t understand why I continued. “Because my life hasn’t been the same since I left. Being with Liz is a lie. I care for her, I do. I love her. She’s brilliant, funny, charming, lovely. But there’s something missing. It’s like we were only ever meant to be good friends. But you and I have known each other since we were kids. You’re my best friend, Matt. You changed when I-”

The sudden defense in his eyes made me pause, and he took advantage of my short silence. “I didn’t fucking change, Dom. I realized she was different and I lost hope. Things got serious between you two and I didn’t want to get in the way of it. I’ve always wanted you to be happy, and if you deny that then you’re a damn fool.” I wanted to reply but there was a look about him that warned me to be quiet. “I confessed to you last year because it hurt too much and I figured it was my turn to be a bit selfish. I didn’t foresee you breaking down in my arms and returning the sentiment. I never meant for us to have a relationship deeper than just friends, but am I happy that we did? Yes. And I’ll never regret it. I love you, Dom. I have for fifteen years, and it’s not going to change. But don’t fucking tell me that you’ve been at war with your emotions for five months and finally decide you feel the same.” He was crying now, angry tears spilling over and leaving burning trails down his pallid cheeks. Wiping hard at his face, he turned away. His movements were jerky, forced, and I could tell as he shakily poured tea into a cup that he was trying to not breakdown.

“I-I’m a twat for leaving, Matt.” His head snapped towards me and the glare present burned holes straight through me. “Just…just hear me out, yeah?” Gulping, I faced him fully and took a small step forwards. “I was with Liz for two years before you blindsided me completely. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again, I’ve always felt a deeper connection to you. It’s not because we’ve known each other for so long, cos I don’t feel that way about Chris or Tom or anyone else. And that attachment frightened me. It still does. My whole life, you’ve always been that one constant figure, that one person I can always count on. I don’t know any other way to be. When you told me you loved me, I was scared because in that moment I realized that’s what that feeling was. That it’s what that feeling blossomed into over a ridiculously short amount of time.

“I still remember our first kiss. We were pissed out of our minds and it was sloppy as fuck, but it stuck with me.” I lowered my voice and took another step towards his frozen body. From a few feet away, I could see his body trembling violently. I reached out, slowly, carefully, and grasped his hand gently and squeezed. He returned the gesture but caught himself, half-heartedly jerking away. I grabbed his other hand and pulled him towards me.

“Dom, d-don’-” He started to resist, his tears falling faster, but I held tightly and turned us, pressing him against the countertop and trapping him.

“I remember when we made love. When we fucked. Every single time is burnt into my memory. And I think about it all the time. Not just the physical aspect. I think about that connection between us, when the emotions were so heightened and so intense that I cried. That’s not all I miss. I miss waking up next to you. I miss looking into your eyes when the early morning light hits them. I miss stopping by and finding you dancing to Marvin Gaye while you cook. I miss being able to hold you without restraint, and telling you I love you. I miss how full of wonder and excitement you are, and how the smallest things surprise you. How free and happy you are. I miss sitting in a café with you and watching people pass by. I miss listening to you play. I miss everything about you and that scares me.

“But my guilt was too much. I hated that I was living in infidelity, because I knew how much she cared for me, and I know that it’ll break her heart when I tell her that my love for her faded away. Part of me knows she’ll understand, but at the time I was too foolish and too blind to see the mistake I was making when I told you goodbye. I ruined our relationship and our friendship, and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made. It’s the only thing I’ve regretted in my life. Walking away from you, Matthew, was like taking away the air I breathe. I can’t continue to live without you, and if you can’t find it in you to accept me back as your lover and partner, then I will, with the utmost happiness, willingly be whatever you’ll have me as.”

Matt stared at me in shock, his eyes wide and burning, his small mouth dropped open in surprise. I realized I was still clutching his arms tightly and pressing him into the counter with more force than I’d initially intended to, and I let go, taking a half-step backwards. His eyes followed me, the blue positively alive and flickering with emotion. In the glare of the fluorescent light, they seemed to be illuminated, the golden specks more highlighted than usual, giving his irises an eerie glow.

“I…I need a moment to think.” His voice was rough, and despite the situation, it sent a tingle down my spine.

I stepped back, the loss of his warmth immediate and chilling me to the bone. My hands were shaking and I turned around, breathing in deep and trying to calm my nerves. He moved from behind me, and I heard him walking to his pantry. A moment later, a small pop sounded and the scent of a strong wine drifted to me. I smiled subconsciously; Matthew always drank the strong kind when his emotions got the best of him.   

A humorless laugh sounded out. “You’ve always had the ability to render me speechless.”

“Consider it a gift.”

He gave a soft chuckle in reply. I turned on my heel and faced him to find him with a dark bottle of red dangling in his hand, his hip quirked and his head cocked to the side as he studied me with a dark stare.

“What are you doing?” His gaze was making me nervous.

A ghost of a smirk rested on his mouth. “Deciding what I’m going to do with you.”        

My eyes widened at the suggestion and he grinned devilishly, and for a moment it felt as if the last five months had never happened. Throwing his head back suddenly, he took a quick swig of the wine he held, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Licking his lips, he glanced at me before he set the bottle down and, as if approaching a cornered animal, slowly edged towards me.

“I miss you, Dom. I won’t deny that. I admit that I was pleasantly surprised to have you at my doorstep at 6:30 in the morning. But what I don’t understand is why it took you so long to have your grand epiphany.” His words were bitter, but behind that veil I could tell they were genuine.

“I’m…not sure.”

He sighed exasperatedly. “For fuck’s sake, you are too.”

“Because, okay? Because I guess I was hoping for my feelings to wear off, but instead they got stronger and I was just tired. So tired of fighting every instinct I have because it seemed like my entire being was trying to come back to you and the only thing in my way was my conscious. Jesus, Matt, I’ve wanted to come back and beg at your feet since I stepped out of the door. Can you not see that?”

Sighing again, he broke eye contact and looked at the ground.

“I’m sorry, Matt. I’m sorry for everything.” I whispered. I raised my hand up and slowly touched his chin, applying pressure and tilting his head up so I could see him. Once again, he met my eyes. “I love you. I have since I was fourteen, and I will continue to until my fat arse is in the ground.”

He giggled, fresh tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. I felt tentative hands at my sides and I smile, allowing the hug he silently asked for.

He feels fragile in my arms; as if a single too-hard squeeze would crush him. Burrowing my face into the crook of his neck, I inhale. I breathe in the scent of fresh rain and mint and I feel at home.

He sniffles quietly against my chest, his hands going underneath my jacket and bunching up the material of my shirt as he clutches me closer to him. “I’ve missed you. God, how I’ve missed you.” He breathes against me. Gently swaying back and forth, I continue to hold him.

When both our tears subside, I pull my head back and look at him. Once again, I’m struck by his beauty and the uniqueness of his eyes.

“I love you.” His voice is small but the smile he’s repressing speaks with a volume too great for words.

I smile back and lean down to press a kiss against the softness of his hair, inhaling again his scent, that overwhelming and intoxicating smell of Matthew.

“Will you take me back?” I question, still worried of any rejection.

He grins and doesn’t reply, instead leaning his forehead against my shoulder and nodding.

It seems like hours have passed till he pulls away and looks up at me, eyes wide and curious. I quirk my head, but before I can open my mouth his finger his pressed against my lips. He’s wearing an innocent smile as he steps away, grabbing hold of my hand and walking backwards with me in tow. I’m not watching where he’s headed, and before I know it he’s standing in front of his bed, the sheets thrown about haphazardly and a pillow at the wrong end.

My eyebrows furrow questioningly, confused by the sudden change of events.

He answers my silent question. “You know, it would’ve been grand if you had given me a ring before showing up unannounced. I’ve only slept a couple hours.”

I laugh at this. “I haven’t slept any.”

“So…would you mind? You could sleep too or you could watch the telly or read a b-”

“You ramble when you get nervous.”

He giggled self-consciously and glanced at his feet. “I know.”

I let go of his hand and go to take off my jacket, turning around to hang it over the back of a chair. Toeing off my shoes, I unzip my jeans and let them fall to the floor, leaving just my t-shirt and boxers on. When I turn around I automatically grin when I realize what Matt’s eyes were trained on.

He catches my eye and giggles again. “Just to clear things up, your arse isn’t fat at all.”

“Oh, thanks so much.”

I walk towards him and he turns to sit on the bed, crawling towards the middle and slipping under the comforter. He lies down on his side, only his head visible, and I can hear him pat the mattress next to him.

Soon, I’m lying facing him, his wide eyes dancing with a multitude of emotions. Smiling, I feel his fingers searching for mine under the covers. He finds them, and, grasping my hand, scoots towards me, his eyes on my lips.

I know what he wants, and without a second guess I close the distance between us and press my lips against his. A tingle shoots down my spine and I feel his lips curl into a smile against mine. His skin is soft and warm, and with my free hand, I reach out to cradle his face in my palm, pressing harder against him.

Time passes as I remap the landscape of his mouth, our tongues relearning the dance they never quite forgot. His body is hot against mine and I can feel him, all of him, pressing desperately against me, and when he moans into my mouth and grasps my hair tightly in his hand I know it’s time to stop. It seems he does too, as he pulls away first, panting with darkened eyes.

“Took you long enough.” He replied lowly, grinning and closing his eyes. Curling against me, he pulls the covers up higher around us both and mutters a soft “goodnight.”

In that moment, as I shut my eyes and cradled the warmth of his body, I swear I was invincible.